As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.
When you've said all there is to say, and done everything that you could do, and you still fail to achieve what you want, you need to let go.
Telling someone "oh, now that is being real spiritual." Or "you call yourself spiritual and you act like that?" Or if we are spiritual, we have to ______x y z." Has a strong guilt pattern upon it that plays hard upon the human shame imprint that has dominated humanity for eons and is rooted in keeping the spirit of oppression alive with the false belief that you have to somehow act a certain way to be connected to Source/God, or loved, cherished, adored and supported.
When I was a child and in the 8th grade, I was told that I wasn't worthy of being in the presence of god and was given a book that gave a multitude of actions that I would have to take to maybe one day get there and given strong directives that I was not allowed to pray or speak in church or church activities or hold any kind of a youth leadership position. I was placed on church probation and wasn't allowed to take the sacrament or go through the Mormon temple with my family who was having a ceremony to be sealed together for time and all eternity. I somewhat believed what the Bishop told me and it created some really ugly emotional imprints within the way I thought about myself and god. Truthfully it was the beginning of forming shame imprints and a hidden Dis-like for myself and I wasn't so sure that I liked god. If he didn't like me I didn't like him and I wanted nothing to do with him or the church.
The spirit of rebellion took over my life and I began running away, drinking and clinging to boys. I was in and out of foster homes and attempted suicide a few times.
At age 16 I was pregnant, married and finally out in my own. Because of the deep shaded thoughts I had about myself I put a lot of responsibility upon the people in my life for my emotional wellbeing and they where no more capable of carrying my weight then I was of carrying there's. By 18 I had 2 kids and was divorced.
At 19 I entered into a union with a psychopath who beat on me and my children and at age 21 I had had enough and that is where I drew my line in the sand and finally said NO MORe packed up my 4 children and ran to escape his tournament, this was the ending to being beat on and abused and I have not experienced it sense.
During this period of my life I got a job at a youth crisis center working the midnight to eight shift where my duties where to do bed checks every 15 minutes and to prepare meals for the next day and to do light cleaning. At this youth center I recognized myself in every face of the residence. Luckily the staff was incredible and they assisted me in working my way out of some of my pain imprints and through a little bit of inner healing.
Over the next several years I studied psychology and began a career path in the social service field where I worked with people in many different capacities. Child abuse prevention, parent out reach, homeless, food programs, domestic violence advocacy and after school and summer programs. I sat on many boards and was pretty darn good at seeing a need and creating a solution in ways of serving people. I was extremely blessed by having friends and colleagues that where PHD and master level degrees that saw my potential and allowed me to work underneath their licenses.
I had some really amazing experiences but at times some of my un-healed imprints came out in behaviors of men hopping, drinking, anorexia and other not as noticeable self destructing behavior as a means to escape my inner world and to set free the bottled up wild women that resided inside of the good girl facade laced with I am nice and I love people somewhat Unaware that I hurt deeply inside.
The inner making of my inner world amplified the ability to easily spot other people's pain and gifted the ability to advocate for others even though I wasn't so good at advocating for myself most of the time.
In 2002 the trajectory of my life took a quick spiral downward after a suicide with someone I was deeply tied to.. it led me to what I call my ROCK bottom and decent into hell. it was so painful and frightening that it swirled me into the bottom of a black abyss. I was locked in my own self destruction and was forced to lay alone in a cold jail cell, naked unable to access supplies, a phone, friends, car, alcohol, family, just me by myself emotionally battled, bruised with a deep deep desire to die.
On the final day of my decent into hell, and in excruciating emotional pain, I threw myself on the floor and screamed out HELP, HELP ME, I can Not DO this.. suddenly the room illuminated, a bright light appeared it was me and it was bigger then me and it was all things and everything, it was loving and intense, I had visions of my life, times I had felt alone and times I had hurt and happy times and times with my children, family, friends. I had visions of myself in the room I was locked in and visions of the future. I had a deep knowing that I had never been alone and I would never be alone and that I could make it through ANYTHING. I knew that God was love and that all that was true was this love.
For the next 3 and a half years I was on a sabbatical of sorts began to seek understanding of what had occurred as I searched and studied different religions and ancient texts. I found what felt true in each one but none that resonated with me completely.
I worked hospice during that time and sat with women who where close to transitioning into their afterlife. I listened to stories about their lives, dreams fulfilled and dreams abandoned. Relationship joys and relationship pain. I witnessed hearts softening and hearts hardening. I witnessed ancestors visiting and angels appearing as they crossed. It was beautiful and deeply spiritual and sometimes very sad. Especially when I was with someone who had dreams that never came into fruition and a heart and mind that never arrived into a peaceful space of being prior to crossing.
I prayed often and wrote about my experiences, my intuition and inner ability to have a knowing about what was occurring around me increased and I quickly learned how to shift my environment through my mind. I learned about spiritual warfare and soul ties and Super natural healing. I prayed a lot and found answers to my prayers in dreams and visions. It was intense for me. I faced a lot of my own demons and healed a ton.
After my sabbatical and back into the swing of every day society i stepped away from the social service field and began working as a server in a restaurant. I continued to search for others that had similar experiences as mine. I seeked communion within different sects. My discernment was at a heightened state because of the amount of time I spent within the quiet place communing with God several months later I met a soul SiStar named Stephanie and came across a local Rap artist named Truthseekah who at the time came into the restaurant where I worked to hang posters for local events. His music spoke to me and further awoke sleeping aspects of my being.. He and his wife have become Dear to me and are very special to my heart and are treasures to all who's open to experiencing their goodness.
Truth has a spiritual gift of bringing people together from all over the world. Through his fb page I met Dan'O from Honduras and within days was baptized in the river and upon coming up out of the water my awareness heightened beyond my own human comprehension to place into words and sense then i have shed and continue to shed many layers of who I am not and continue to seek God and grow. I have been blessed to meet in the physical world amazing people who I now consider Soul Family that encourage me to continue to grow and they are examples of walking out a life as ONE with God and have been blessed to align with all of you here on FB you are all really beautiful souls.
I am not sharing my story as a way to speak ill towards my birth family. I love my family and adore my parents and believe with every part of my being that they love me and the choices they choose for their spiritual walk is perfect for them and that what they offered me and my siblings came from a belief that they truly align with and as a means to provide an afterlife where they would insure being in the presence of each member of my family within optimal conditions for souls growth and advancement. They have loved me through a lot of my earlier bullshit and took up for my kids where I left off. I know that my heart cries out for a close relationship with them as I am sure they cry out in pain for the same. A bond with a parent isn't breakable no matter how strained. I see the goodness within them and I love them dearly and appreciate the gift of my birth into this realm and all the many lessons and beautiful experiences we shared as a family outside of religion. I see them as great people who are talented, loving, funny, down to earth caring and generous and are worthy of goodness and are worth more then all the riches in the world.
I choose to share because it is my story, some of the history, (her-story) that shaped me into the person that I am today and of course back to the beginning of this writing where I spoke on shame imprints and how deeply they can influence someone's life and how easily it is to become trapped within the illusion of being separated from God and one another or falling into being guilted into abiding by some man made rule to be spiritual enough to be accepted into a group or forced to act in a way that bends to someone else's will because we spoke up or out about something that felt damn right ugly or we didn't agree with what was occurring and the accuser throws the "oh, and you call yourself spiritual!" Card.... or "to be truly spiritual you need to do XYZ.. " "you didn't say in the name of Jesus.." "who gave you the authority to do that?" it's a form of control and it's damn right ugly and manipulative and comes from conditioning where people in a desire to be accepted fall prey to its influence ... I am not separate from God and I don't have to work to be good enough to be LOVED.
To date, I have shared some of my experiences on a small level but have kept myself small as a way to not offend anyone but within doing so it has somewhat silenced me and created a bit of an isolation within coming out and taking about my truth's. I know that if I experienced these things others have experienced similar and / or are currently experiencing similar things. If I have felt isolated and have worked and continue to work through shame imprints others are also doing the same. I am all about turning pain into our life giving Elixir and sharing it with the world and this is all part of owning my shadow and sharing my Elixir.
Today, I' am drawing my line in the sand once again and saying NO MOrE, NOT ME, NO NO, I DONT ACCEPT CONDEMNATION, and I am DONE PLAYING IT SMALL TO SUFICE OTHERS.. I am worthy of speaking my truth.. and I am willing to speak it until it becomes good and comfortable.
We are all good enough everyday and no matter what you have done or haven't done you are LOVED AND ADORED..
My story isn't over yet as I still have dreams that are being built. I haven't grown to the highest capacity of growth nor do I know everything in fact the more aware I become the more I recognize the potential for never reaching total awareness within this life. However, I do know without a shadow of doubt that we are not alone that God is Love and that we are All connected, nothing but our own beliefs can keep us separated.. miracles are real and we can all experience greatness.
This is a bit of my story it's far from complete but it's some of my vulnerable side and some of my strengths. I hope it helps you in some way.. maybe to own your shadows, speak your truths and to turn your pain and shame imprints into healed and to own your life giving Elixirs too.. if you are in an abusive relationship you don't have to stay... if you are trapped within guilt or your past you can be free from that too... if you feel separated from God maybe it will give you the courage to seek within to find your inner connection... maybe it won't do anything but push your buttons and if so instead of being mad at me please choose instead to get to the bottom of why. we are all in this together I need you and you need others too.. thank you for embracing me on what ever level you are able. I truly love you all.
© 2011 All Rights Reserved Wheels of Light- Kristy Lee
Kristy Lee is a Intuitive Energy Practicionor who is a strong channel. She writes as a way of giving her experiences a voice to bring forth Healing unto the nations. sharing her journey opens space for you to share yours.
© 2015 All Rights Reserved