Spirit Of Religion

I have been deep in prayer and asking the Holy Spirit to show me what is in my heart that is between me and a long standing sense of being happy. As I am generally somewhat happy. But, it always seems that happiness has interruptions with periods of desiring isolation and more somber times as I do not feel okay when I am around friends and family when I’m feeling low myself.

This morning I was reminded of something one of my ancestors spoke over me many times... and that was “Kristy Lee, if you ever want to be truly happy you must follow the Gospel of the church.” The church meaning the Mormon church. The ancestor who said this to me was the absolute biggest supporter of my life. She loved the gospel and the principles that the church provided for her. To me she was a saint. And the embodiment of Jesus Christ in her daily walk and in every way she showed up for her family, community and anyone lucky enough to cross her path.

Having her as a part of my life was a huge gift. She was there for me when others turned their backs. She loved me without end and into death— her loving kindness runs deep in all that she was and is.

Not that I will ever turn against her per sa’ as I couldn’t do that.

However, the church never felt okay to me. Even as a young child I had reservations about what was being presented to me. I teeter- tottered for years upon years back and forth into condemning myself and studying the principles and teachings of what this religion was founded upon —

and always returning to it wasn’t right for me.

Lately, I have had many dreams about my family. Religion. Separation. And a coming together again. A reconciliation of sorts.

I know on many levels it’s my subconscious mind working things out—

I awake tired, yet seeking something from the Holy Spirit to help me understand and move past what has held me up in my past—

With this insight I’ll be with it- doing my inner work and I’ll continue to pray...

For I know that this too will pass— what is for me will stand— TRUTH will stand— and I am not alone— ancestors strong ...

The Spirit of religion runs rampant. The Spirit of God is ever lasting...